


Living in a World so Cold

by TooManyFandomstoCount



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Ages may be off but close, Bad dark abusive manipulative purple minion relationship between Duiki and Ben Solo, Duiki is an asshole, F/M, Han Solo's A plus parenting, Kylo Ben needs all the hugs, Luke tries to help, M/M, Manipulative Palpatine, Minor Injuries, Minor OCs like Duiki, My First Work in This Fandom, Non-Consensual, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Obi-Wan is tired of Anakin's shit, Poor Ben, Post the clone wars, Post-Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Two timelines, Work In Progress, a look at Ani and Ben before they go completely dark, abandonement, but ends up hurting, but manipulated by the dark side/snoke, cute fluffy unicorn relationship moments between Padme and Ani, idk if happy ending tbh, just sad, manipulative Snoke, not crack, okay now read it already, or extremely dubious consent, parallels between Anakin and Ben, pre tfa, stoopid Luek, there are still storm troopers the rebels are trying to get rid of, they are both momma's boys, too lazy to research, voices in their head, wait, why must canon torture my babies?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-04 13:29:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6659965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooManyFandomstoCount/pseuds/TooManyFandomstoCount
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anakin Skywalker and Ben Solo are so similar. But we know more about Ani's pre-dark life than Ben's.<br/>This fic explores the different lives of our two villains, both afraid of losing the people they loved.<br/>Follow the two as they get darker and darker and eventually put on a mask of eeeevil.<br/>Later on, I will try to have them meet so at least Kylo can emerge from the pool of darkness that grows in his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Three Days Grace because this song is perfect for mah babies! Well more like the first two lines are perfect. But still...

Anakin Skywalker is 9 years old.

He is expected to be one of the best Jedi knights ever, something about mindy-chloride-ans?

Obi Wan Kenobi is his master, forced into training the excitable young force-sensitive boy with the untimely death of his own master, Qui-Gon Jinn.

Secretly, Ani wants his mother. He is afraid something might happen to her without him to look out for her!

Sometimes a dark voice creeps its way into his head.

‘ _You can save her, you know,_ ’ it says. ‘ _That is if you weren’t so weak! You weak little boy, little Ah-nee!_ ’ It mocks him and makes him afraid.

Every night, Anakin cries himself to sleep.

 

Benjamin Chewbacca Organa Skywalker Vader Solo is 9 years old.

Everyone tells him the force is exceptionally strong in him; that he inherited the gifts his uncle has.

(Uncle) Luke Skywalker is his teacher, cajoled into training the boy by his best friend and his sister.

Ben wishes he was at home with his mother and father, he misses their not-so-serious squabbling. He’s afraid they will get killed by the remaining pockets of Stormtroopers his mother seeks to destroy.

Ever since he can remember, a dark voice has been living in his mind.

‘ _Your parents will die because your mother is weak,_ ’ it says. ‘ _She hasn’t tapped into her connection with the force. Even so she’s not nearly as strong as you! You can’t protect them though. They are weak and will end up dead because you couldn’t save them, child!_ ’

Ben cries himself to sleep every night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So now we find ourselves following the boys into their last happy years before succumbing to the dark side. This is part 1 of 2: Anakin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is after the Clone Wars. I don't think Anakin's older than 17 in that, but I haven't bothered to check. Either way, his age fits with my theme.

Anakin Skywalker is 17 years old.

He is now almost an official Jedi knight! His excitement knows no bounds and shows through in his recklessness.

Master Obi-Wan fondly rolls his eyes at his young Padawan’s antics. ‘ _Let’s hope I don’t have to give him another talk_ ,’ Kenobi thinks. ‘ _Why if I hadn’t noticed his weird behavior towards Padme, he would’ve gotten her pregnant through longing glances alone!_ ’ He sighs.

There is a birthday party for Anakin, and all of the Jedi have shown up to the spacious castle in Nabu where Senator Padme Amidala is hosting.

Anakin is almost happy, **almost**.

The voice is still there, a constant nagging in the back of his mind.

‘ _You let your mother die, weak fool! You think that killing all of the sand people will help? You’re still a weak youngling and I don’t know why anyone would bother with your pathetic behavior._ ’

He shuts it out and enjoys the party, racing Padme in the halls with two Speeders he was given.

The younglings cheer as he does loop-de-loops and other fancy flying techniques.

‘ _One day you will kill them all,_ ’ the voice promises.

He scoffs subconsciously, pinching the cheeks of a cute young Jedi with red and white skin.

The voice gets angry. ‘ _You think you can deny me!?_ ’ it sends waves of pain through his head and he stops dead in his tracks, parking in a small niche near alongside a long hallway. ‘ _You will submit do anything I ask. I am your master and you. Shall. Obey. Me!_ ’

Suddenly the pain gets worse as all of the bad feelings and worst memories Anakin ever had are brought to the surface of his mind.

He holds his head in his hands, trying to will the pain away.

Padme speeds up to the niche he’s hiding in, a vision in her skintight white bodysuit, rosy cheeks and lustrous brown hair flying. She looks so beautiful that Anakin momentarily forgets his pain.

It comes back in droves and she rushes to his side.

“Are you okay, Ani?” She lays a comforting arm on his shoulder, wide brown eyes warm and concerned.

Anakin remembers the beautiful Queen draping a warm blanket on his cold shivering body, making him feel better and forcing away the cold dark thoughts and emotions that were plaguing him. He grins at her, his own blue eyes twinkling.

“I can handle a silly headache.”

Her eyebrows raise sardonically, as she senses the disappearance of his pain.

“No really,” he insists.

She shrugs her shoulders and grins playfully, giving off an ‘ _if-you- **really-** think-so_’ vibe.

He crosses his arms over his chest and juts his chin out, secretly glad she isn’t more worried. Because how do you explain to the girl you love that there is a voice in your head telling you to kill children?

She slides off her speeder, lands in a crouch, and gets up fluidly, hand on her hip.

“I don’t know. Seem like the big strong Jedi can’t handle his spiked punch.”

“Okay. That’s it!” Anakin jumps off his speeder onto her, tackling her to the carpeted ground. “Take it back Queenie!”

“Never!” Her voice is muffled by the thick carpet she is pressed into. She digs her heels into Anakin’s legs and before he knows it, Padme’s flipped them over so she’s now straddling him.

They are both panting as she leans in to kiss him. She stops inches away from his mouth and wears her smug I-have-an-idea-you-wont-like smile. He pouts at the almost-there kiss as she grabs his arms and pins them above his head, immobilizing the future Jedi. Then she leans in to pepper his neck with kisses, some sweet and short, others passionate and long, still others violent and claiming, her long hair tickling his neck.

He moans too loudly when she sucks at his neck, drawing the attention of his master.

“Anakin? Are you over here? The younglings have been asking about you.”

Obi-Wan’s voice echoes through the hall, but Padme and Anakin’s spot is rather well hidden to one searching on foot.

They share an amused look and Padme laughingly shushes her boyfriend before going back to activities that would draw moans of pleasure from the most controlled man on the planet.

“Anakin? Mistress Amidala? When did my job become babysitting horny teenagers?” his voice trails off.

Anakin starts to snicker silently and retrieves one of his hands to cover his mouth as Padme bites a finger to keep from giggling. But then she has to let out an embarrassing snort which sends Anakin into a wheezing knee-slapping guffaw.

 “A-ha! There you are you two miscreants!” Obi-Wan’s eyes crinkle as he walks up to them. “Get yourselves back to the party and stop vanishing on me.” They reluctantly get up. “I hate when they do that!” he smiles ruefully, despite himself as they walk to their speeders.

“Race ya old man,” Anakin has jumped onto his speeder in record time, Padme clinging to his back and giggling like a mad woman. He uses the force to bring the other Speeder to ground level. "Gotta be a fair fight though."

“Old man? Now **really** Anakin, I’m not yet 30 you silly child!” The speeder whizzes past him.

“Can’t hear you, too busy winning,” Anakin grins as he weaves through the columns lining the hallway and disappears round a bend.

“They are **children**! Little annoying children,” Obi-Wan mutters darkly as he gets on the remaining speeder and follows his immature charge.

When Anakin realizes he is ahead, he comes back to fly a circle around Obi-Wan tauntingly.

For the first time in a very long time, he is happy. And it is because of Padme and Obi-Wan, the two people he loves most in the world.

But he is so cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a happy chappie. The next will be horrible and sad and might make you cry, I know I did. So warn me if I should stop here and keep things light, but those of you who started this despite the warnings know what's coming next. My poor baby Ben!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's terrible awful no-good very-bad day. My baby, whyyyyyyyy!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I'm like tearing up because I just wrote the first 'prophetic dream' Ani and Padme chapter so I have to post it which means this chappie of absolute trash (you know I love it) comes first.I hate hurting my babies. :=(

Ben Solo (he shortened his name because 1: it’s kriffing long and 2: no way he’d let anyone know his middle name was Chewbacca) is 17 years old.

He has been training at the Academy with Luke and about 50 force sensitive younglings for over 10 years.

Luke Skywalker worries about the boy, because Ben is shy and quiet and doesn’t actively try to make friends. The only trace of his parents’ personality in him is his sarcastic wit and quick temper. Luke senses a great possibility for darkness in the boy, so he works him harder to eliminate emotional connections and tries to keep the other kids from forming attachments with his nephew.

Ben Solo is lonely.

The only person he can have long conversations with is the voice in his head, and those conversations usually end up riling the young Padawan into heavy fits of rage.

The other teenagers have learned to hide their breakable personal items after just a few short months of living with Ben.

They keep away from him in fear, but there is one trainee who decides to handle Ben.

Duiki is a well-built green-skinned humanoid from the planet Koruta. His abilities almost match Ben's so he hates Ben with a passion.

When they were younger, Duiki would steal Ben’s shoes or practice lightsabers and every so often physically hurt the boy.

If Master Luke noticed the bullying, he said nothing.

Duiki taught Ben to fear him when they grew as he beat him up and bullied him relentlessly through the years. When Ben started having force tantrums, he kept from harming Duiki’s goods.

Duiki noticed that and kept Ben under his control. He was one of the only kids who could counteract Ben’s force powers and he often abused this ability.

Ben avoided Duiki at all costs, but the voice in his head told him he deserved every beating he got. After all, if he was too weak to stop _Duiki_ punching him, he’d be too weak to stop a **Stormtrooper** from killing his mother.

Today is a special day, but Ben tells nobody.

The teens are in the dojo, pairing off with partners to spar. Ben knows that if Luke doesn’t get to him first, Duiki will partner with him so he can embarrass and hurt him.

“Ben, my dear Padawan, I almost forgot it was your birthday,” Luke says fondly as he walks up to his nephew.

Ben glares at him but softens when it looks like Luke is going to leave.

“Can we spar?” his voice is scratchy from being generally silent.

Luke grins at his nephew. “I won’t push you on your birthday! I may be a Jedi but I do have a heart. Look, your friend Duiki wants to spar with you, take it easy on your special day.”

Ben’s heart sinks. Luke doesn’t want to spar with him. Luke wants Duiki to hurt him. He is filled with hurt and hate, but makes sure his emotional guards are up. No need for anyone to know how he really feels.

“C’mon big ears, let’s fight,” Duiki puts an arm on Ben’s shoulders amicably.

Ben grimaces but spars with Duiki, holding back a little so as to throw the fight in Duiki’s favor. He knows better than to let himself win. Eventually Duiki has him in a headlock.

“Meet me in greenhouse B after dinner,” he hisses into Ben’s ear.

Ben chokes but nods and Duiki lets him go, shaking Ben’s hand as if to say ‘I’m not a sore winner’.

They spar a few more times, Duiki getting more aggressive each match and by the end of it Ben's bruises have bruises.

After dinner, Luke goes into the dorms. He sees his nephew awkwardly hunched on his bed at the end of the large dorm room.

“Ben, I have your mother on the holoscreen,” he smiles. “She really wants to talk to you.”

Ben jumps off his bed and runs to Luke at the doorway.

He can see his mother’s hologram on the small device.

“Mother!” He shouts in joy.

She is wearing a white bodysuit and has a blaster in one hand.

“Ben, darling happy 17th birthday!” she gushes, expressive brown eyes warm and a little sad. “I miss you so much dear.”

Luke quietly leaves as Ben and Leia talk, sadly noting that he’s never seen Ben this animated before.

Halfway through the talk, Leia ducks and blasts something in the distance. The sounds of a firefight fill the empty dormitory. Suddenly, the picture wavers and Ben hears her screams as she is shot before the transmission is cut off.

“ **Mom**!” Ben sobs, sure she’s dead. He reaches out to her with the force but finds her fading ever so slowly. The inconclusive result worries him.

“Luke!” he cries in a panic. But Luke has gone back to his quarters for meditation and not even an emergency can break through the shields the Jedi has in place for that. So Ben rushes after him.

As he cuts across the gardens, a green hand reaches out of a dark building, grabs him and pulls him into the greenhouse, kicking and screaming.

Ben lashes out with the force only to find his efforts reverberated onto himself.

Duiki restrains him with the force and closes and locks the door.

Ben is panting. “…please….my mother….trouble-”

He is cut off as Duiki gags him with a washcloth.

“Your mom? Well she probably is trouble. I mean have you _seen_ those holovision shots of when she was captured by Jabba the Hutt?” The green boy smirks, using both the force and his superior muscles to hold Ben down.

Ben glares at him, his eyes panicky and-are those _tears_ Duiki sees?

Finally Ben gets the upper hand and blasts Duiki into a concrete pillar with a huge gust of wind.

Duiki doesn’t give up as he rises, smiling cruelly and wipes blood off his chin. He sends shears flying straight  to Ben’s heart and in the split second that Ben is trying to stop those from hitting him, Duiki sneaks behind him(Korutans are much faster than humans) and snaps a force-containing training collar on his neck.

Ben is freaking out. He’s gagged and his force connection is blocked. He hopes Luke will find out Leia is in trouble. Though the force is blocked, the dark voice in the back of Ben’s mind remains.

‘ _Look at you, **boy**!_ ’ it scoffs. ‘ _I told you that your mother would die because you were too weak to save her. And now she’s probably dying and you can’t go for help because this pathetic weakling has you gagged and powerless. This is how you will always feel in the light. You will always be a weak unloved **freak!** Or did you not notice that your criminal father never calls?_ ’

Ben starts to get angry.

‘ _That’s it. Give in to your anger and kill them all, child. Start with your abuser and then get rid of every last one of them. Male, female, and child alike!'_

He’s brought back to reality with a stinging slap on his face. Duiki has tied his wrists and ankles with ropes and is now smugly attaching a chain to the training collar, pulling it taught.

“Just like dear old mom,” he smirks, pulling Ben up to his knees. “So tell me why you didn’t come meet me right after dinner,” he says in a falsely calm voice.

“Well?” Duiki cocks an eyebrow. Ben glares daggers at him, rolls his eyes and looks down pointedly at his gagged mouth.

“Oh dear me, I forgot.” Duiki’s smile turns feral. He rips out the gag but floats the garden shears to Ben’s throat. “I think you know better than to scream for help, but here’s a little motivation in case you forgot.”

Ben spits out the cottony taste of the rag. “I was on the holophone with my mother. She got hurt and I was trying to tell Uncle Luke. I forgot about our meeting.” He keeps his eyes lowered and his voice low.

“So the freak does talk,” Duiki muses aloud. A sadistic idea he believes is his own tells him to break the boy and claim him. “Well what are you willing to do to help your mother, Benny? I can call Master Luke at any moment if you’d like. I can show him how pretty you look trussed up and on your knees like a common whore.”

“No! Just please tell him my mother is in trouble! Please, I’ll do anything.” The voice in Ben’s head calls him pathetic, as it goads Duiki to take advantage of the boy’s situation.

Duiki grabs Ben’s jaw roughly, lifting his downcast face.

Ben looks like he wants to cry and wishes his hair was long enough to cover his pale trembling face.

He is so sad and desperate and for some reason cold.

Cold, as Duiki unties him and forces him to remove his clothes, goading him with insults and filthy words.

Shivering as Duiki starts to undress and Ben feels nothing but the metal collar on his bare neck.

Chilled as he submits to Duiki through blood and tears and pain.

Frigid as Duiki finishes breaking him with one final thrust and tells him to put on his clothes.

Frozen as Duiki calls Luke and pretends he had coaxed out the fact that Leia was hurt from the poor traumatized boy in front of him.

He will never again be warm.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember, I could really use editing help!  
> Also kudos(kudoses?) and comments are genuinely appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now I have to destroy Anakin's happiness. Because I am just that mean. Except not really and writing this literally made me tear up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when my sister was pregnant she referred to her baby as a bean. I thought it was adorable so that is why Padme calls future Luke 'n Leia her lentil beans.  
> Also, sorry for the shortness. If I have like any kind of response I'll continue writing this.  
> I know where it ends.

Anakin Skywalker is the happiest Jedi in this universe (there are definitely parallel universes out there where Jedi are _allowed_ to be happy). He is 19 years old and he just found out he’s going to be a father!

It takes all of his self-control not to shout it from the rooftops and write it on the skyline. He wants to tell everyone he meets that he is going to be a dad! Luckily Obi-Wan managed to impart _some_ lessons on control to his hyperactive student, so Ani’s secret marriage is still secret.

Nothing can bring him down now, not even the now-dormant voice in his head. He is bursting with so much joy that he occasionally loses control over the force and finds himself accidentally levitating instead of walking.

If Obi-Wan notices, he’s too exasperated to comment.

When Anakin sees Padme, he sweeps her off to their room and they make passionate sweet love.

His wife has never been more beautiful than when she is straddling him, panting and breathless above him, positively glowing.

They murmur sweet nothings as their lovemaking session comes to an end, climaxing with shouts of ‘ **I love you!** ’

Now blissfully tired, Anakin leans against the headboard and pulls Padme next to him. They look out the window to the starry night sky. He hugs her naked form to his chest, hands on her belly.

She smiles tiredly and softly brushes her lips on his neck.

“I can’t believe we’re gonna be parents,” Anakin says, stroking Padme’s soft brown hair in wonderment.

Her gold-flecked brown eyes are pools of warmth that draw Anakin in and melt the ice out off his soul.

“I went to the doctor today,” she says softly. “Turns out there isn’t one little bean in there but two!”

Anakin grins. He can’t wait to tell Palpatine this glorious news.

“I love you SO much.”

Her answer is cold but sweet. “I know,” she says confidently. They kiss each other and pull up the rumpled sheets and blanket.

“Goodnight my love,” Anakin says, but Padme is exhausted and has fallen asleep in his arms. He smiles and lets sleep touch his content mind.

 

The dream is tinged with darkness. Anakin doesn’t know how he can tell, but the voice’s signature on this dream is bold.

Padme is lying down in a crowded medbay as a team of doctors urges her to push. She is screaming but when the first child comes out she lets out a relieved sob.

The second child causes some different screaming and Anakin immediately senses something wrong.

Padme is dead before they pull out the second child, face still somewhat contorted in lax pain.

 

“No. nn…..no. NO!” Anakin is screaming as he awakens. He hears a panicked voice but she’s dead and he **can’t** -

“-Ani! Stop it! **Wake up!** ” Padme. His wife, very much alive and only three weeks pregnant.

Anakin stops screaming and tries to calm his racing heart as he cracks an eye open.

Everything in the room is floating at least 5 feet above ground, spinning in a speeding vortex of home goods. It slows with his heartbeat until he gently sets everything back in its place.

“Oh Maker. I’m so sorry Padme!”

He looks at the small clock he just placed on his now stationary bedside table. It reads 5:38 AM.

Padme calls for a light and looks at her young husband with baggy eyes. He breaks down and repeats how sorry he is like a mantra, begging for forgiveness as she pulls his head into her lap and strokes his wavy blond hair.

“Shh…it’s okay, Ani,” she calms him. “You had a bad dream. It’s not real. Why don’t you tell me about it, dear?”

Anakin sits up and rubs his temples. “It was _awful_! You were giving birth and they got the first one out but then you…y-you- **you were dead!** ” His eyes tear up. “I can’t last without you, my love,” he whispers.

She gazes at him compassionately. “I can see how that was upsetting, Ani. But I am alive and here and the doctors will be able to deliver our little lentil beans painlessly.” She strokes his cheek, wiping away a tear that had escaped his eyes. “Don’t worry! Everything will be okay. It was just a dream.”

He gives a watery smile and leans onto her shoulder, shivering.

“I love you Ani and I will never leave you,” she says earnestly. “I love you.”

“I know,” he replies and she laughs.

Again he finds himself inexplicably cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comment, comrades.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I have more so tell me what you think. Also, I'd really appreciate the help of a Beta. If anyone will do that for me, please let me know!


End file.
